Remarkable! Student eats nothing but vending machine chips for two days straight.

By Sarah Smit

In a feat of survivalism to wow Bear Grylls, Murdoch psychology student, Brian Williams, has survived for two days exclusively on vending machine chips.

Williams has been in the 24/7 Learning Common for over 40 hours straight working on an end of semester paper. He reportedly bought the first packet of Red Rock Deli Honey Soy Chicken chips when the Kadjidinni cafe closed for the night, 3 hours into his marathon writing session.

‘I started to panic when I realised I couldn’t fuel this essay with cheap sushi. I was freaking out, thinking that I might have to go across the road and get a servo pie.’

‘But when they opened in the morning, I didn’t need to go upstairs to the Kadj’.’ Williams told a Metior reporter. ‘It’s easier to eat the out-of-date Twisties and purple Powerade.’

‘It feels really natural, like I’m living off the land, you know.’

But vendanism isn’t all sunshine and roses. Williams says that some prepackaged, sodium-filled snacks evoke deep feelings of self-hatred.

‘I thought I’d hit rock bottom when I ate a packet of Vege Chips, but then three hours later I spent real money on Burger Rings. Burger rings!’

Recent studies suggest Burger Rings are not, as was previously thought, a member of the chip family, but are closely related to packing peanuts and the crunchy stuff that you get when you leave a bowl of cornflakes in the sink for a week.

Williams was last seen googling pictures of citrus in an attempt to ward off scurvy.

Breaking: Dirty little gremlin drinks vending machine coffee in full view of Bang Bang Specialty Coffee Vendors

By Sarah Smit

In an impressive display of utter contempt for Perth’s world class specialty coffee scene, a BAR100  tutor was seen today getting a coffee from a vending machine not ten metres from Bang Bang Specialty Coffee Vendors.

Local garbage person and all-round human disaster, Brian Fleming, was taking a break from grading the most pointless unit the world has ever seen when he offended public decency.

Experts have suggested several possible explanations for Fleming’s disgusting  caffeine habits.

Sociologist Amanda Jones suggested cultural differences; ‘It could be that he’s from Geraldton – good coffee is a socialised response to mornings.  What else could you expect? His hometown only has one entry on Beanhunter!’

Biologist Ashley Thomas favours the bin chicken theory: ‘I think it’s more likely that he has some White Ibis in his ancestry. His beverage choices could be a throwback to the family’s bin juice drinking days.

Charlie, Bang Bang’s regular barista, displayed his characteristic chillness about the whole shit sandwich. Not even this blatant insult could harsh his vibe.

‘To be honest it was kind of impressive; everyone could see and they were judging. You gotta admire the balls on the guy.’

When asked why Murdoch even has coffee vending machines, a spokesperson for the university suggested the machines are actually bait.

‘There’s an assumption that we’re providing more options, but we’re actually just allowing for natural selection to take it’s course.’

‘If someone’s not willing to wait in line for proper coffee, let them have their turd smoothie. They don’t deserve Bang Bang and they don’t deserve happiness.’

When asked for comment, Bang Bang’s owner had this to offer;

‘Look to be honest I think you all just need to chill out. I don’t often say this, but it’s just coffee.’

Editors note: Geraldton has several excellent cafés, and this article is in no way a reflection on them. Don’t @ me.