By Sarah Smit
In a feat of survivalism to wow Bear Grylls, Murdoch psychology student, Brian Williams, has survived for two days exclusively on vending machine chips.
Williams has been in the 24/7 Learning Common for over 40 hours straight working on an end of semester paper. He reportedly bought the first packet of Red Rock Deli Honey Soy Chicken chips when the Kadjidinni cafe closed for the night, 3 hours into his marathon writing session.
‘I started to panic when I realised I couldn’t fuel this essay with cheap sushi. I was freaking out, thinking that I might have to go across the road and get a servo pie.’
‘But when they opened in the morning, I didn’t need to go upstairs to the Kadj’.’ Williams told a Metior reporter. ‘It’s easier to eat the out-of-date Twisties and purple Powerade.’
‘It feels really natural, like I’m living off the land, you know.’
But vendanism isn’t all sunshine and roses. Williams says that some prepackaged, sodium-filled snacks evoke deep feelings of self-hatred.
‘I thought I’d hit rock bottom when I ate a packet of Vege Chips, but then three hours later I spent real money on Burger Rings. Burger rings!’
Recent studies suggest Burger Rings are not, as was previously thought, a member of the chip family, but are closely related to packing peanuts and the crunchy stuff that you get when you leave a bowl of cornflakes in the sink for a week.
Williams was last seen googling pictures of citrus in an attempt to ward off scurvy.